Once in a while I hear someone asking for advice on how to deal with a dying friend, relative, coworker. It seems to be an awkward situation for a lot of people. We are not sure how to talk to the afflicted person. What do I say? What should I do?
I think the problem is not with the dying person, but how WE are reacting to it. Afterall, we are all dying. A terminally ill person just has a heads up on WHEN.
The thing, I believe, is best received, is to just be there and take your que from them. Remember above all else that if you are interacting with someone, they are indeed living. Living with a terminal disease. Living for each precious moment. We need to treat each day, and each minute, as if it were our last. Most of us just never know. It could be.
It is perfectly acceptable to be angry, or sad or any of the other stages of grief that are necessary to deal with the impending loss of life. But, today we are not yet lost. We are lucky to have today. Cherish all the "right nows" that we are blessed to have. Don't dwell on that which has not yet happened. If you must cry together it will be fine, if you must laugh together it will be a memory you have made. When you remember the good times with someone who has so few left, you are making another good time to cherish in the future. Even if their future has a date on it, they will have a new moment to reflect on, and you will have a memory to last a lifetime, no matter how short that lifetime is.
As I get older, I have had to see the passing of more and more friends, relatives and sometimes just folks I was blessed to know a short time, Each one has left an impression on me, and I have taken a bit of them to live on with me. Though they are gone in body, they live on in my memory and sometimes in the things I do and say. They leave a legacy in whatever we take away from knowing them. A thought, a memory or even a tradition we have learned and carried on from them. I wish I had taken the time to thank them for making me who I am today.
When we lose a loved one we mourn "OUR" loss the most. I have found it is natural to turn our thoughts to what we have left of that person. Physical mementos at first, then the memories kick in. With that knowledge in hand, I take a little comfort in spending time with those we know we are about to lose. I find it a time of collecting those precious moments we are going to need in our future.
My best advise to those who are in avoidance of the terminally ill, for lack of knowing how to deal with the situation, Just be there. You are blessed to have the moments you have. You are fortunate to be able to accumulate new memories for both of you to reflect on when needed. You have that chance to say or do whatever it is that needs said or done. Don't go into it as a visit with the "dying" person. They are alive for now. Don't let your chance slip away to achieve that which will only be available for a short time. We are all dying, and we are all leaving someone behind. We just don't know when.
